Knots

Sometimes I find that words swirl around my head. They go around and around in circles, driving me insane, but as soon as I try to write them down, they freeze and won't come out.
Sometimes I'll spend hours trying to get them to talk to me, to tell me what they say, instead of crowding around in an emotional mess.
But they always seem to find their way to the pit of my stomach where they just become a knot of mangled letters and syllables that can choke me at any moment.

I find myself to be feeling really homesick. Not for home.
For the people of home.
For the idea of my old, safe, stable life where I could send a text and have my best friend come for walk with me while I worked my mind through the tangles; or call up another friend and spend a weekend with bad movies and ice cream.
To do that here would require friends that are close enough to even want to help or spend that much time with me.
I guess I took them for granted a bit. I took the idea of them always being at home with me as fact.

Now, one is serving the Lord in Japan
The other is busily becoming an architect, back at home
And I'm struggling through an Arts degree in the big city which is kilometres, hours, dollars and an ocean away.

I miss having an easy life, of not having to be a grown up and look after myself. They told me it would be hard, but no one mentioned how lonely and expensive it all is.

And it's depressing and miserable, and strangely, I love it.

Go figure that one out.